jonathan pearlman

jonathan pearlman

FINE ART Photography


Regular listeners will know that I am hardly if at all, immoderate. That means, online, I am, on the whole, moderate. This shouldn't suggest that I am all purr and no bite (sorry Mr P); I have given as good as I get (sometimes deservedly so). My emails, when push comes to shove, are sometimes caustic and unpleasantly insulting.

But, rarely do I resort to intemperate language.  

Since 1995 I have made brief appearances in many online forums, but never outstayed my welcome. For the past 10 years, however, I have limited myself to movie reviews (on Amazon as 'bloodknock1') and an occasional, but polite, comment here and there 

So, would it therefore surprise you if was to boast that I have been censored, silenced even, by the Guardian comment moderators? You see,  I was a commentaholic, trawling through all the Guardian news and magazine articles I could find to stir the pot, as it were. This trolling habit of mine lasted for over 4 years with comments from yours truly on subjects as diverse as fracking, sex and the over 60s, gardening and football. 

Word play and absurdity - my online raison d'être - was my passion - and it was fun and it was self-gratifying. Fun to research, fun to read serious articles and fun to make fun of them. And then, my little online fun world came crashing down on me. I started to be officially moderated; a few of my comments drew the ire of the community moderator. At first, some of my comments were simply removed leaving me red-faced and empty-handed with only my online handle exposed to the world, bereft of my message but the world knowing I had been moderated.

It get's worse.

My account with the Guardian is still intact, but my comments are to be pre-moderated. I have, in effect, been shut-down. 

So, in the in the interests of my own free speech, here, for the very first time in natural living colour, is a selection of my comments.

Judge for yourself. But, please, don't try and moderate me.


On historically inaccurate films:


I refuse to watch ANY film until I am satisfied that it is correct in every possible detail. Currently, I'm still working my way through a list of films from the 70's and hope to be loading up my Betamax any day now.


On Peter Conrad's review of Elliot Erwitt's photography:


I shall never ever partake in anything that has the name Conrad associated with it:The Hilton, Lord Jim, Canadian newspapers, art critics, Conrad Jupiter Casino, Conrad's Pizza in St Albans, Melbourne. Next on my list: anything to do with name Peter..........


On a 22 year old female addicted to porn:


In my house, we don't have enough sex on the telly....


On the worse gig we ever played:


Ian Anderson could have mentioned his gig in Melbourne - 1973. Billy Thorpe & The Aztecs, a local wannabe band were support. Their set was sheer torture from the opening riff to the ridiculous drum solo. that out of my system 38 years on....


On Angela Hartnett's salad:


Omit the oil and this is a super salad for any compost.


On what is meant by the word 'folk' in folk music?


Pop/rock/country is known as Country in the USA.
Rock/country/country/pop/rock/mor is known as Country in the USA
Country/Country & Western/Blues/Pop/Rock/Heavy Metal/Indie is known as Country in the USA
Folk/Country/Blues/Bluegrass/Rock is known as Country in the USA
Blues/Techno/MOR/Rock/Pop/Bubblegum/Skiffle/Classical/HipHop is known as Country in the USA
Indie/Reggae/Folk/Ffolk/Underground/Alt/Blues is known as Country in the USA
Rock/Pop/Blues/Wombles/Fffolk/Rock n Roll/Soul/R&B is known as Country in the USA


On a reader's take on what 'folk' music really means:


("bearded men playing banjos and singing about the life of a farm labourer at the time of the Napoleonic Wars"), 
Historically speaking, an impossibility.
You might like to fashion your arguement a little more by having a look at the life and works of Gustav Holst and Ralph Vaughan Williams - both enthusiasts, avid collectors and recorders of English 'folk' music.
There, you will find the fuzzy lines that mark the division between 'popular' music and 'folk' music.


On what makes a photographer freeze:


So, I was in Paris when the war ended and noticed a couple snogging in public and was just about to take a photo when I heard a noise like a camera going off just behind me. Then, when I was in Spain on holiday in 1936, I was just about to take a photo of a nice soldier admiring the view over Cordoba when he slipped. I heard a clicking noise behind me which sounded like a camera going off.
I remember Diana Arbus once telling me "take, it, don't take it...I should care less.


On warnings of severe drought throughout England:




On the wrongs of digging bore holes: 


In South Africa they used Boer Holes. 
In Tuscany they used Boar Holes.


On the question of the legality of incest:


I, for one, wouldn't hold it against my sister......


On 1970's tv shows: 



On Alberto Juantorena: "and there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"

On Asa Hartford: "such a whole hearted player" (not long after Hartford was diagnosed with a hole in the heart).

"And the line up for the final of the Women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."

"She hasn't run faster than herself before"

"He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62"

On fracking:

Fracking ridiculous.

On Freddy v Jason:

Just stepping out for a quick slash........

On women being funny:

I think my wife is hilarious.....

On 'Facebook:'

Please 'Like' me if you enjoyed this comment......


IVF can get stuffed....

On the sport of diving:

Diving is 80% psychological and 20% water....

On England's new manager:

I have been following England since 1963; here are few things I've learned since that time:
Football is a game of two halves; or four quarters. Sometimes, the first 15 minutes are the most important; other times it's the final 15 minutes. The most dangerous teams are those that just conceded a goal (except on the full time whistle, then they are mostly inconsolable). A draw is a better result than a loss, unless you are the winner in which case a draw is an inferior result. Control possession and you control the ball. Control the midfield and you control the ball in midfield, and the bits behind you as well.
Attack is the best form of defence, unless your opponent is already near your goal. Then, defence is the best form of defence. 

On how we made West Side Story:

Did you know......West Side was supposed to be East Side Story?
It's my most favourite musical and I'm not even gay!

On plagiarism:

What about self-plagiarising?

What about self-plagiarising?

On Greece's financial crises:

It's all just a big con...

On wind turbines:

I am pro-wind whilst my wife is anti-wind.

On Margate being in the top ten 'must see' places in the world:

Looks amazing! Love the way the buildings blend so wonderfully well: modern rubbish alongside nauseatingly awful mausoleum with clock tower. 
On my must visit list now, alongside Northern Cyprus and Northern Iceland.

On "My wife won't have sex with me:"

Will she have sex with me? (moderated) 

On Turkish Baths:

Take at least 12 bars of soap with you, that way you never have to bend down to pick one up. (moderated)

On the tv series The Tudors:

Love it! A reader responds to a post:  "Oh, and thanks for ruining tomorrow's episode" 

On art in Saudi Arabia:

Hirst's art will certainly sheik things up a bit.........

On referendums:

I, for one, am really sick of all this talk about referendums.
Anyone else agree with me?

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